Have you ever had a year that completely, undeniably ROCKED your world?! I tried not to let it change me. I didn’t want it to steal my light. I wanted to stay the same. I still sometimes grieve for the person I was before but I don’t let myself dwell too long on that girl. If I let myself, I can wallow in self-pity with the best of ‘em. The person I am now doesn’t want to wallow. Heck, I struggled to even write this. Its hard to revisit the things that hurt our hearts.
I’ll begin my story with my mother. Isn’t that where everyone’s story begins?! She radiated life. She was beautiful inside and out. She taught me to be strong. Not just physically strong but emotionally strong. She was so stable and graceful. She would breathe life into a room with her smile. She was healthy. My sister and I used to tease her that she was going to outlive us. She didn’t really have any major medical problems and then one day that all changed. She thought she had a stomach bug. She went to the doctor and they gave her anti-nausea medicine. She was still sick and kept going back to the doctor. They prescribed more meds. Finally, it got so bad that we had to call an ambulance. The ER doctors told us it was just gastritis. We took her home and she was so so sick. Two days later we took her back to the ER. FINALLY, we had a doctor that listened to us. Dr. Vega, if you are reading this, you were amazing. She had recently lost her mom and she cared enough to listen to my mom. She ran some tests and found that my mother had a clot in her aorta. A team of medical people were called. The next day my mom went into surgery to remove the clotting. Almost her entire aorta had clotted. The clotting was so significant that it had started to send clots to her organs. Dr. Roberts, one of her surgeons, allowed us to speak to her before she went into the surgery. He told us to “say whatever we needed to say” because she might not make it. We prayed, told her how much we loved her, and I begged her to stay with us. She told us that she wasn’t scared anymore. The last words she ever said to me were, “Everything is going to alright.” This has become my life’s mantra. When something goes wrong in my life I will tell myself (in my mom’s voice, of course) that everything will be alright. Unbeknownst to me, I was going to need my mom’s voice a lot over the next year. Also, I will be forever grateful to Dr. Roberts for those few stolen moments with my mom. He showed compassion in a moment that I needed it most. The world needs more doctors like Dr. Vega and Dr. Roberts.
My mother did not make it. She was 47 years old. I was 28 years old. I completely folded in on myself. I don’t know how to describe the grief I went through except to say I felt like it wasn’t real. Everything seemed like a dream. Everything was foggy. I couldn’t breathe. I had nightmares a lot. I had just lost my best friend and my mother.
I’ll take a moment here to tell you about the man that I married. He was my rock. My husband completely took over. When my sister, step-dad, and I couldn’t pick a casket to bury her in, he took over. He planned her funeral even though he was grieving too. Jared, my husband, was by my side every single step of the way. The world kept going even though I wanted it to stop. There will always be a hole in my heart that my mother left but my husband brought me back to life.
If you are lucky enough to have your mother or your father, be kind to them. Tell them you love them. I tell this story so others can learn from my experience. You must advocate for yourself and your loved ones. Follow your gut when you know something else is wrong. Doctors aren’t perfect. We kept going to the doctor and kept pushing until we found one that cared. Unfortunately, it was too late for my mom but it may not be for you or someone you love. Advocate for yourself and loved ones! If you don’t, who will?
My Traveling Appetite 